Has Moppy Been Alive the Entire Time? A Perry Saturn Kayfable

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Perry Saturn
Photo: WWE

(DISCLAIMER: Kayfables are stories we write a few times a year that connects pro wrestling incidents or storylines according to what the kayfabe of the occurrences could mean if the world of professional wrestling’s stories were true. These are similar to how many wrestling magazines from the 1970s through the 1990s ran, such as Pro Wrestling Illustrated and the Apter mags, and are written for humor/entertainment and should not be taken with any sense of reality)

It has been believed since 2001 that WWE legend, Moppy O’Leary, has been deceased – mercilessly demolished into thousands of tiny fragments of oak by Perry Saturn‘s estranged and jealous valet, Terri Runnels.  She saw Moppy as an enemy; an obstacle standing in the way of keeping Saturn in check.  She therefore sought to ensure that Moppy could no longer pose a threat to her chances of championship gold.  The thing is, Perry Saturn loved that mop and when it was cruelly disposed of, he was never the same.  “I loved that mop”, said Saturn, clearly hurt.  “I would rinse it, drain it and clean floors with it every day.  She wasn’t just a mop – she was a hoppy-horse.”  However, there have been numerous sightings of Moppy over the past few years.  Could it be that Moppy somehow survived the hateful attack?  We have new evidence to suggest that Moppy has been hiding in plain sight all along, a feat only the most defiant of mops could achieve.

A Perry Saturn Kayfable

Fast forward to August of 2014.  Indie legend, Kevin Steen, has just joined his old frienemy, El Generico, in the Mexican orphanage.  They embrace; they reminisce about old times – particularly their time in Pro Wrestling Guerrilla – and they get to work on their promise to improve the futures of the young orphans present at the orphanage.  Mere days into Kevin Steen’s stay at the orphanage, Steen noticed there was something off about the mop that Generico was using to clean the kitchen.  Kevin carefully watched the way Generico tenderly treated it; the way he held it with that big smile whilst humming Sami Zayn‘s theme tune.  He sensed an aura; a dark aura that he had never felt before – especially from a mop.  Generico ensured him that it was just the old orphanage mop, but Steen knew the truth.  It was Moppy O’Leary.

Late that night, Kevin Steen broke into the kitchen; curious to learn more about the suspiciously familiar mop.  He opened the cleaning cupboard – but the mop wasn’t there! “Looking for something, Kevin?” Steen turned around – startled – confronted by his best friend, holding the mop.  “You just couldn’t help yourself, could you Steen?” Generico took a step forward, whilst Steen took a step back towards the closet.  “You were right to be suspicious of the mop, Kevin.  This right here? This is an original Generico Twist & Shout Mop! Made here, in this very orphanage.  I’ll be damned if I let the likes of you use it to clean these floo-” “dude, it’s just an ordinary mop?” Kevin interrupted.  “Well, yeah, but I put it together!” Kevin shook his head and simply walked away.  “I’m going to bed” shouted Kevin, from the next room.  If Kevin were to peak around the corner, he’d have seen Generico using the mop as a hoppy-horse, while chanting in a whisper “NXT! NXT! NXT!”

Photo: WWE

So neither Kevin Steen – or El Generico – are in possession of Moppy O’Leary.  We reached out to the main culprit, Terri Runnels, but she failed to return our calls.  We did, however, manage to contact Triple H about the mop.  We asked him where is the beloved mop? As cryptic as ever, he simply answered “Heh, Moppy? Who knows? I’m sure she’s here… and there… and there… and there…” before chuckling down the phone and simultaneously hanging up.  We weren’t quite sure what this answer meant, but we assumed it had something to do with Sledge.  Those of you who have followed WWE over the years will be familiar with Sledge.  He is the opportunistic, Machiavellian sledgehammer who has broken many a face (and Randy Orton’s house).  We reached out to Sledge, but like Terri Runnels before him, he never answered.

Perhaps we will never truly know the whereabouts of the enigmatic mop who guided Saturn to numerous clean wins – stealing our hearts in the process.  Maybe it is a mystery with an answer so dark and so gruesome, that it is best we never find out. But one thing is for certain: she is still out there.

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