Monday Night Raw Review: Friendship Fallout

0
314
Photo:WWE.com

Seven days after Kevin Owens broke the hearts of millions by turning on Chris Jericho, he’ll have to provide some answers. In a story that still makes no sense, The Rock is in town filming the movie about Paige and her family, will he make an appearance? Bayley is the new WWE Women’s Champion! What will Charlotte have to say? Only one way to find out. And it’s by reading this, the Monday Night Raw Review: Friendship Fallout, from none other than the Tom Brady of Madden 17, Ryan Smith.

Monday Night Raw Review: Friendship Fallout

Kevin Owens

The show opened with Kevin Owens and the Universal Championship in the middle of the ring, and for the first time in months, the crowd booed him. The Universal Champion sat alone in the ring, and he said he was ready to answer the question, why?

But not the way we thought. Not “Why did I turn on Chris Jericho”, but “Why do I think I’ll be able to retain my belt against Goldberg“. To KO’s credit, he cut a very great heel promo. This is the Kevin Owens that we should’ve had this entire time.

Owens cut one hell of a promo on Goldberg. He was calm, confident, and he seemed sincere. He claimed that he didn’t have to beat Goldberg, he just had to outlast him, claiming that the longer the match, the better for opponents of Goldberg. That’s not even a lie, that’s a fact.

It was a fantastic heel promo, and Kevin Owens went from, “yeah, he’s bad, but he’s so good at being bad that we cheer him” to being “what a dick, I can’t stand that guy”. Even though I’m almost positive Goldberg is taking the belt off of Kevin Owens, he had me believing that he’d be retaining at FastLane.

At the end of his promo, Owens said “As far as Chris Jericho goes…” and then he dropped his microphone and left the ring. Bravo, good sir. Bravo. Has a Raw review ever started with a 10 Woo segment? Well…

Segment/Match Quality- 10/10 Woo’s

The Certified G’s vs. Sheasaro

The Certified G’s took on Sheasaro for a chance to face the Good Brothers at FastLane. The two big guys that can’t speak very well started the match, and it looked like they were just beating the hell out of each other. Cesaro atacked Enzo Amore at ringside and the Swiss Superman did Enzo’s dance. It was hilarious. Why isn’t that guy being pushed more. Oh that’s right, here’s why.

It’s kinda sad that this match has to happen. Enzo Amore is wildly entertaining, but he and Big Cass look lost in the ring with a couple of experienced veterans like Sheamus and Cesaro. Then again, it’s also the veteran’s job to make younger guys look better, so… eh?

There was an amazing spot where Enzo dove for the hot tag and instead ate an uppercut from Cesaro. I was enjoying how amazing it was when Corey Graves accidentally called Cesaro by his real name, Claudio. I laughed.

Believe it or not, Enzo and Big Cass got the pin! They’re the new number one contenders! Enzo Amore was mouthing off when he got destroyed by Sheamus. What a quality segment!

Segment/Match Quality- 8/10 Woo’s

The Brian Kendrick vs. Akira Tozawa

Akira Tozawa, aka the best cruiserweight not named Neville took on the man who called himself Tozawa’s mentor, the Brian Kendrick. Kendrick acted like he wanted to shake Tozawa’s hand, before brutalizing him. Kendrick attacked Tozawa, leaving him beaten before the match even started.

Okay, this was actually solid. It builds up the feud between the two men without either looking bad, and it didn’t take up too much time. Not bad. A great start to the show.

Segment/Match Quality- 8/10 Woo’s

Roman Reigns vs. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson

I want to like Roman Reigns. That’s not a joke, I do. I think he’s a talented wrestler with a great look that could be huge money. But this stuff is frustrating. People like Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson. You put Reigns in a handicap match, which is supposed to make us empathize for Reigns, but we know he’s going to win, so we just resent him.

Hopefully fellow LWOPW writer, Jamie Greer was correct when he said that he believed this is all part of Reigns’ heel turn. Hopefully, otherwise, this is just terribly bad booking. Either terrible or terrific, we’ll see.

Of course, Reigns was singlehandedly dismantling both men, rendering the Tag Team Championships absolutely worthless. Eventually, with some double-team moves, they were able to get control, and Gallows slapped on a headlock.

I hadn’t heard this before tonight, but there was “Let’s Go Roman, Roman Sucks” chant, which was a little disconcerting. I hoped that Reigns would just kinda get over with everyone, and not just the same people that cheered for John Cena at his stalest.

The Club were dominating the match when they decided to get a steel chair. Because nothing says “we’re winning” like throwing the match away. But Reigns stopped them… before getting the chair himself and getting disqualified.

Huh. That’s… interesting. He destroyed both men, including a spear to Karl Anderson off a top-rope dive. So… basically, Reigns strong, Club weak, and Vince McMahon drink silly internet tears. *Jabba The Hutt Laugh*.

In all seriousness. That was a good enough match, and the spear was great, but what was the point? Is there nobody else they could to Roman before Strowman before Taker? I just don’t get it. It wasn’t a good segment, it wasn’t a bad segment, it was just a segment.

Segment/Match Quality- 5/100 Woo’s

The New Day vs. Handsome Rusev w/Lana & Not Ugly Jinder Mahal

Man. What is Raw doing? Their tag team champions are being fed to midcarders, and the most popular tag team in the company is facing off against the most underrated wrestler, his wife, and his angry sidekick. Like seriously, what is the WWE doing with the New Day? And what the hell are they doing with Handsome Rusev? He should’ve been World Champion by now.

With Bray Wyatt holding gold, Rusev is officially the most underutilized wrestler in the company now. Well, he and Sami Zayn that is. Apparently, we’re supposed to call Jinder Mahal, “hardbody Mahal”, but I”m not doing that. Sorry.

Xavier Woods came out and announced that Up Up Down Down is approaching one million subscribers, and that they want to be the hyena’s in the new Lion King movie, and uh… Disney? Please. Please do this.

Kofi Kingston brough out an iPad, saying they had new blueprints for the ice cream, and it would be impossible for them to destroy their plans. However! Beautiful Lana, yes Beautiful Lana had hacked their iPad, claiming to have their plans.

Drinking it in, she listed off a bunch of ridiculous stuff and OH MY GOD, it hit me.

The Actual Match

When we came back from commercial, Handsome Rusev was destroying Kofi Kingston. Both men reached the tag and then Big E literally unhinged his jaw and ate Jinder Mahal alive. Okay, not literally, but it became very clear that Mahal was only in the match to eat the pin.

Big E went for the big ending, but instead got a superkick. Kofi got involved and forced Rusev over the top rope before hitting a very awkward suicide dive. Xavier Woods was able to steal the plans from a distracted Lana long enough to destroy the iPad.

Big E and Kofi were able to pin Jinder and Lana was furious about her iPad. It was amazing. The whole segment was the perfect combination of funny and serious. It was just incredible. Love all these people. This gets a 10 because it was perfect, but I really have to cut down on my Woo’s lol.

Segment/Match Quality- 10/10 Woo’s

CruiserWeight Championship Contract Signing

Jack Gallagher and Neville met to sign the contract for the WWE CruiserWeight Championship match at FastLane, with the ever brilliant Austin Aries providing commentary. Neville walked down to the ring, signed the contract, and tried to leave when Gallagher stopped him and invited him to have some tea.

THIS IS PROGRESS, I yelled at my TV, to no avail.

Neville made fun of Gallagher and his representation of the european people. He said that Gallagher was a caricature, and that Neville is what a real English man looks like. Gallagher insisted that this wasn’t a caricature, but who he really is, and then he reversed the psychology by bringing up how Neville refers to himself as a king.

Neville set his title down and flipped the table over before getting in Gallagher’s face. Gallagher took Neville off his feet with a takedown, but the CruiserWeight Champion was able to grab his belt and escape before the situation escalated. Good stuff!

Segment/Match Quality- 8/10 Woo’s

Nia Jax vs. Sarah Pierce

This is annoying. Stop it, WWE. We get it, Nia Jax is a monster. So push her for real or stop. She gains absolutely nothing from destroying nobodies. But, that’s exactly what she did. She beat nameless jobber #5, and then discount Renee Young interviewed her, where she said she doesn’t understand why she hasn’t gotten a title shot yet. Well, it took almost two hours, but we finally had a bad segment.

Segment/Match Quality- 3/10 Woo’s

Bayley, Stephanie McMahon, and Sasha Banks.

The Raw Women’s Champion came to the ring, with her belt, to chants of “You deserve it”. Bayley pandered to the local crowd like her name was Mick Foley, and she brought up, yet again, how she wanted to be in the WWE, and be the WWE Champion. She was celebrating her championship and thanking her dad when, sigh, the worst thing about Monday Night Raw, Stephanie McMahon came out.

She guilted Bayley, saying this isn’t how she wanted to win the title, claiming she was better than that, and she should relinquish the championship. Bayley took the championship off of her waist, and struggled. She was about to give the belt to Stephanie when Sasha Banks‘ music hit and she came to the ring.

Saving Private Sasha

Banks pleaded with Bayley not to give up the title. Stephanie then got in Sasha’s face, saying that Banks only wanted Bayley to keep the belt because she knows she can’t beat Charlotte. There was a great faceoff between Banks and McMahon, teasing a match that will never happen, but Bayley interrupted.

She played the white meat babyface, and admitted that Stephanie was right. That the belt means more than that before saying that she pinned Charlotte fair and square and that the belt was hers. Then she said she’d defend the title any-time, any place, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Cue Charlotte’s music.

The most improved wrestler of 2016 came out, and she apologized to Stephanie for Sasha and Bayley’s disrespect. She announced that she was invoking her rematch clause at FastLane, and then Sasha Banks interrupted her, challenging her to a match tonight!

Ya know what, Stephanie wasn’t terrible in this. She was a believable heel, and she didn’t pander. She was just a manipulative snake, and that’s all she should ever be on TV! It was a good bout, and now we get Sasha vs. Charlotte!

Segment/Match Quality- 7/10 Woo’s

Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte

So, the last three matches of this show are going to be Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte, which we saw 900 times, Braun Strowman vs. Big Show, which I feel like we’ve seen 100 times, and Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn (with obvious Samoa Joe interference inbound) for the 1,000,000th time. And yet, the WWE don’t let New Day split.

In any event, it was a good match. Watching these two wrestle is like watching an old married couple dance, they’ve been doin it for years, and they’re not even thinking about it anymore. That’s not a bad thing. If I went to a live Raw, and I saw that this match was on the card, I’d be thrilled.

Dana Brooke tried to run down and help Charlotte halfway through this match, and by tried, I mean tried to run, I’m not sure what was happening, but I think Mark Henry could’ve gotten to the ring faster. Anyway, Bayley intercepted Ms. Piggy, and Banks beat Charlotte with the Banks Statement, because it’s Raw and that’s Charlotte’s kryptonite.

Segment/Match Quality- 7/10 Woo’s

Samoa Joe and Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn

Is Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn this generation’s Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose? And is Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose this generation’s John Cena vs. Randy Orton? So many questions. Anyway, despite all the jokes about “Fight Forever” and “For the last time”, it’s still always good to see these two get in the ring and work. They have better chemistry than anyone else in the WWE, even AJ Styles and John Cena.

I had kinda hoped the match would happen before Samoa Joe interfered, but beggars can’t be choosers. Joe attacked Zayn on the way to the ring, throwing him around. After he was done with Zayn, he threw his corpse into the ring with the Universal Champion.

Somehow, this match is still going to happen. With Zayn broken and battered in the corner, Zayn attacked him with fury. This is the Kevin Owens we should’ve had this whole time. He mercilessly attacked the underdog from the underground, and he wasn’t pulling any punches.

Owens hit a pop-up powerbomb for the quick win, and phew. This segment accomplished a lot in five minutes. Owens looked fantastic and evil, Joe looked like a monster, and the loss wasn’t Zayn’s fault. Great stuff, and this is set to be a great Raw unless the main event is awful.

Segment/Match Quality- 9/10 Woo’s

Big Show vs. Braun Strowman

This was actually a good match, I don’t know why that makes me laugh. Braun Strowman did a nip-up like he was Shawn Michaels. Big Show tripped Braun Strowman and he fell down. In any other match, is that a big deal? No. But watching Strowman falling down is incredible. Could you imagine these two as a tag team? Good god.

Okay, so this match wasn’t Kenny Omega vs. Kazuchika Okada, but it was good! Most people will go their entire lives without seeing someone as big as either of these men, and watching the two of them fight is ridiculous. You don’t see something like this every day.

Big Show got Braun Strowman on the top rope and went for a superplex, but Strowman fought out of it. Strowman jumped off the ropes into a WMD, and it looked like Show was actually about to win. I don’t know if anyone has ever kicked out of the WMD before. If they have, please let me know in the comments.

Then, Show climbed to the second rope, going for the splash, but Strowman caught him and hit the powerslam, which Big Show kicked out of! I don’t think anyone has kicked out of that either! What the hell?!

Strowman hit another powerslam, but this time, he was unable to kick out as he got the win. This match was almost 10 woo’s. Know why it wasn’t? I think you can guess.

That’s right, because Roman Reigns showed up. Why. WHY. Anyway, Reigns went for a spear, but Strowman hit him with a dropkick first, before hitting the powerslam. Strowman, fresh off a grueling match where he took two huge finishers, was able to easily dispose of a freshly rested Reigns. Why do we need Taker interference at FastLane again?

Is Big Show about to get a 9 Woo segment? In 2017? Yes. Yes he is. I don’t believe it.

Segment/Match Quality- 9/10 Woo’s

Best Segment/Match of the Night- Evil Kevin Owens

The Kevin Owens that opened this show and faced Sami Zayn is the Kevin Owens that we should’ve had all along. He’s brilliant. Not only is he really good, but he boils your blood. He’s so easy to hate. I turned Raw on completely positive that Goldberg was going to eat Owens alive, and even though I still think that, Owens was so convincing, I’m not as sure. God bless you, Kevin Owens.

Worst Segment/Match of the Night- Nia Jax vs. Jobber #5

Why do I care? Why should I care? Nia Jax destroyed another nobody? Cool. She’s better than people who aren’t on the roster? Uh, she better be. Pointless. Just stupid. At least give her multiple opponents like they do with Braun. The worst part of a great show.

Show Quality- 9/10 Woo’s

This was a great episode of Monday Night Raw. They really struggled to recover from Seth Rollins’ injury, but this episode was just fun. The time flew by, and by 10:50, I wasn’t ready for the show to be over. Even the segments where people are being misused and everything was stale, I was entertained. The New Day and Lana got ice cream on an iPad over! ICE CREAM ON AN iPad! Beautiful stuff, WWE.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.